I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
