I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
