absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
