I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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