I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
