Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
