so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
