You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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