My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
