at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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