I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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