I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
