onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
