Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm always down for nudity.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
