hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.