My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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