I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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