Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
