tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
