there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
