I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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