dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
