What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
