im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
