Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
