hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I will die if light touches me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
