I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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