i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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