just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
