I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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