Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
