Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
