meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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