Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
