Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn off my feet"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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