Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
