There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
