the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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