Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
