My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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