Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
