hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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