I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
