Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
