Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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