I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
