Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
