so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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