I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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