But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
