My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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