Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
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he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
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He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sorry about my life...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...