On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
did i walk over a car last night?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
