i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Your shirt... Was in my pants
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
