You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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