Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
