i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
