She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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