R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
you will always have a special place in my vag
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
