I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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